A new year, a new day.

The fight never ends. Life is not different because it is a different year, our struggles they are all still there. Your bank balance is the same, your family still drives you crazy and your new year’s resolutions have been the same for the past 5 years. When the clock strikes midnight there won’t be any glass slippers to find, your dirty laundry needs to be washed, groceries bought and maintenance needs to get done around the house.

I think greatness happens in between all of that, ‘that’ being what we would call the mundane things of everyday. And might I add it is not mundane, it is essential, the annoy bath, breakfast, drive to work are possible reasons you could get fired if you didn’t do. I hope greatness happens in between all of this.

2015 had its moments, good and bad it is part of the past. I would like for 2016 to be different. Life being what it is, it will be the same good and bad the thing is I would like to choose how my 2016 goes. The saying goes 10% of life is what happens to you 90% is how you react/respond to it I wonder how true that is….

Today is the last day of the year, tomorrow is literally a new year, not just a new day; it comes with its beauties, its gloms but, it is new. A fresh start, that is what you get, what I get, what we get. So that leads me to wonder what I will do with my new year. I am afraid to make resolutions because there are pending resolutions… but, I will do it any way I will put 5 things in my journal… and I will revisit them often. I may fail, but I may succeed so I will be hopeful and realistic.

Another year has pasted and I am still writing… that is a win, I did not write as frequent as I wanted but, I still wrote but even more importantly you still read Thank you.

Happy New Year…   

 

Could you love me, could you love me, please? The cries of a hated body…

No one ever teaches you to love yourself as you are.

Nip and tuck, exercise more, lose that muffin top, ‘and double chin.

But child, don’t you dear love yourself.

What are you crazy?

Who does that? 

Live your life constantly altering yourself

or seeking to do so for you will never be enough.

Look at the magazines they are right

you are too fat, too black, apple shape, 

who could love that so why do you?

Blaring and screaming those are the cries of my body. Never allowed to be happy or content to take a look in the mirror and love myself that feeling is like that of Halley's Comet, a rear sight. It should be precious for it is so rear, so crazy and unheard of.

When I see a child playing in the rain

clothes drenched and soaked

hair a hot mess,

face snotty and scared by fun

my thoughts….

FREE

Free from the opinions of man

Free from the embracement of being “grown”

Free from the media silhouette of beauty

FREE how does that word sound coming from your mouth…

Good Morning…. This is Gwen and she loves herself hot mess and all…

Humility is at the core of who I am

The mere experience of being with people is enough to leave you humbled. Pride usually reside where people are present. It is a place where comparing, takes over, grades and classes are allocated and human beings defined by that which is seen on the outside. Living and being with people has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. It has revealed not others to me, but rather myself to myself. I have learnt that as much patience that I have to exercise with others; others have to exercise with me and if not so more.

Life humbles sometimes in difficult ways, ways that you remember for every part of your life. Ways that make you cry when you think of them. Ways that bring shame and scorn to families. Oh, life humbles.  It has a way of showing you what truly matters and what a great waste is. Look at the large sums of young people dying, I sometimes feel like people don’t die of old age anymore, like it’s a thing of the past.

This I know my friend I have much to learn and more to grow. I do not wake up thinking that I am great but, I am often reminded but my heart that I am yet scorned by my heart that I am not. I wish I knew what tomorrow held, to just know or get a glimpse that this life i live contains more. Will I have left a legacy or will my words be hidden in unfound places? Forget I remember what I wrote remember what I said.

Will I have the honour to change a life, to move a heart, to do something beyond my earthen vessel? Can I too, be selfish and proudly say that i want to leave my footprint on this life. Can I? Would you let me be more than I envision for myself not deserving because I never will? I will never be qualified to recite a poem to you or have you read my work but could you anyway.....

 Humility is at the core of who I am.... wanted never attained..... such is LIFE

Walking in my Sleep

Trying to get the approval of other people

Trying to know

What they think

What I should do and

How I should live my life

Standing in front of you right here

Trying to be someone I am NOT

Trying to find me

All my life I have been walking in my sleep

Stuck in this world trying to find me

Searching for me in the wrong place

Amongst the wrong people

Doing things to be seen

Only to be ignored

Finding a way out of this world

Disorientated, unaware and unskilled

of my surroundings

that are tough enough to kill

I’m living in a world that is not my own

A world in which I’m chasing a dream that is not even mine

All my life I have been living in my sleep

but, TODAY I WAKE UP

With the Greatness within me

to change the world

I can do anything

Today I will learn something about myself

That will change the rest of my life

My life is too short and valuable,

to live up to other people’s expectations

but, GOD’s

So today…I WAKE UP

I live with Destiny

I live with Fulfillment

and I live with PURPOSE

TODAY I LIVE MY LIFE 

The Fight

....it’s been awhile...

I sometimes hate my talent, because it means I allow people to get to know more.  And I do not like that. I sometimes dream to be an island but, instead I’m human amongst humans, how annoying.

A few weeks ago I was asked to recite a poem instead I wrote a letter  to myself and now I share it with you. 

Dear You,

What fight are you fighting?

• The voices of men and women who fought decades and centuries ago sounds nothing like the voices of this day. Today the voices sing a new song.
• What interests me most is what fight are you fighting?
• Remember when you were in high school, annoyed by one of your adolescent troubles and exclaimed “uh I can wait until I leave high school!”....  Well High Schools over, how is life now....
• It was as if I was Maya Angelou’s Caged bird that...

 ....stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

• For in my head life is such a challenge all you can do is sing, Is this the song I sing to that reflects my heart (ah ah no... Maám I refuse) so like Maya I will ask plainly ...

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

• I think you missed the question, I simply asked what are you fighting?
• Okay fine; A Corrupt government has us lamenting the cries of Robert William Service

To hell with Government I say;
I'm sick of all the piddling pack.
I'd like to scram, get clean away,
And never, never more come back.
With a heart of hope I long to go
To some lost island of the sea,
And there get drunk with joy to know
No one on earth is over me.

• Really now?
• Okay what about compassion, I’m fighting for compassion, Is that not a right cause

Like a story told of a young man

Who went to his friend’s funeral

And not by his own sadness

But, that of his friends family

That deeply moved he wept

• Maybe, that’s what I am fighting for that type of compassion
• Or perhaps the injustices of this world, that we could one day arrive to a place like, Raymond Foss and  commemorate with jubilance

We gathered, took time off,
pondered our freedom,
on the anniversary
our Declaration of Independence
when we dissolved the political bonds
when we proclaimed, to the world,
what we hoped for, what we believed in
as a people, set apart,
that we hold these truths to be self-evident,
that we are born equal, each one,
that the creator gave us unalienable rights,
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

How wondrous are those words,
how much we have achieved
casting off the chains that hold us back
how far we have to go; but
We are free, by most measures

• Well to me by men’s standard that is an honourable thing to fight for
• See, that could be what I let people see, ignoring the actual fight happening and putting on a façade
• But, I cannot be the only one fighting so I stalked some people in the most socially dignified way, on Facebook. To find that they too were fighting.

“Bare your blade and raise it high, stand your ground, the dawn will come.”

Francois

“Embrace what God is trying to do in your life! Your spiritual life and inner growth will overflow.”

Semakaleng

"When I speak to you, I speak from Christ within me, Christ in you, Christ around us and Christ among us.”

Mariette

“Yes a girl can look beautiful with short hair... rocking my natural hair like nobody’s business... Those who knew me for weave hitting and scratching... sorry no more.”

Tlotlisang

• This fight thing I do not do alone, and not every fight is plainly seen
• There have been men and women who fought; many carry scares; not all lay to be seen, in their clenched fists and bruised limbs, but rather in the Deep recesses of their hearts and winding valleys in their minds.
• You asked me what I am fighting
• Well, honestly, I’m fighting you most of the times. I fight myself.
• And yes I walk through the corridors of life, with others walking along side me and passed me.
• But most of the battles are with myself, which is both frustrating and heart-breaking
• Yet I am nudged constantly, there’s this thing that keeps pulling me  and pushing me forward
• Like the words uttered by Stephen King’s Red in the Walls of Shawshank State Prison

 “Let me tell you something my friend.

 Hope is a dangerous thing.

Hope can drive a man insane.”

• Perhaps that’s why my fight is not in utter despair, because of Hope, remembering always

We are hard pressed on every side,

 but not crushed;

perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned

;struck down, but not destroyed.

• Perhaps like Paul (the Apostle) I too can on day say

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.

•  But until then in hope I continue to pray

In Him we live, In Him move, In Him we have our being. Now unto Him who is able to do, exceeding, abundantly, above all that we could ask or think or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us.

Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, to God who alone is wise, be honour and glory forever and ever. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us all, now and evermore.

Amen

With Love, Me

So, who are you?

Imagine a world where your name was what you do.
What would your name be?

Perhaps you already live in such a world; perhaps the way people identify you; by what you do.
Do you think, that is who you are? Is it, who you are?
Can I place a name or a finger, on the words or items that could be placed in a box to define who you are?

Me: Hello my name is Writer.
You: Hi I’m ....Lawyer....
                ...Manager
                ...CEO
                ...Prostitute
                ...Mother
                ...Domestic Worker
                ...Chef
                ...Driver
               ...Model
               ...Pastor
               ...Gardener
               ...DJ
               ...Researcher
               ...

Does who you are fit into a box can I place you in a category be it prestigious or disreputable, and you be absolutely fine with that? Are you okay with being what you do? Can your ‘I am-ness’ be encompassed in a task? Is the individual performing the task, not something more?

I am not the only one asking, I’m not the only one on a journey of greatness, others call it something else but, it’s theirs and they own it....

"We oft know little of who we were, only something of who we are, and nothing of who we may be.”

― Charlie Fletcher, Silvertongue

“The bulk of life is discovering who you are—and then reconciling that with who you wish you were.”

― Richelle E. Goodrich

 “The world put's too much emphasis on what a person does in terms of monetary value and social status as opposed to who they are. If I was to ask you if you would be loved for who you are or what you do (eg. your occupation), I would guess that you would say who you are. Things are the wrong way around unless you follow Jesus.

God cares about who we are primary, not what we do. It is our character and approach to life that he cares about. God wants us to choose him and put him first which ultimately means being a servant to him and others.”

― Tim Crawshaw

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.”

― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.”

― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

If you were to ask me, Gwen who are you?
I would respond to say, I am Great.
You would probably ask me to elaborate...    
I would then have a lot to say, but what I do know is whatever it would be would not even scratch the surface. The iceberg that is me has so much depth that even I don’t know, but I am NOT the exception. In the ocean of life many icebergs hover above but, the thought or mere idea of taking a dive to see what’s beneath is too much to bear.
My response is so incomplete, so limited, and so vague.
There must be, there has to be more so I embark on this journey of Greatness.

Where it leads who knows,
                if I will even get there a mystery,
      what if I die before I arrive,
                                      what if I fail,
                                              perhaps I’m on a meaningless journey,
                                                     or maybe I’m proper crazy, highly possible
                                                           but, I won’t stop
                                                I can’t it’s not in me to just quit
                    who does that and not regret it
                                    I need to be able to live with myself
                                                      and I won’t be able to if I quit
                                                                  something in my gut keeps nudging
                                                                              saying there is more
                                                                                            you are more......

I was Here

I am at work and all that is going through my head is the song by Beyonce ‘I was here’ so I thought to share it with you

- BE Inspired, ALWAYS

I was here

I wanna leave my footprint on the sands of time

Know there was something that, and something that I left behind

When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets,

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I die

And know that I meant something in somebody's life

The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave

That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I just want them to know

That I gave my all, did my best

Brought someone to happiness

Left this world a little better just because

I was here

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here.

(I lived), I lived

(I loved), I was here

(I did), I did

(I've done), I was here

(I lived), I lived

(I loved)

I was here

(I did), I did

(I've done)

I was here

What lies inside...

Four barrels lay in a room identical on the outside but, the inside was different.

This is what was inside:

·         Acid that tasted like acid

·         Honey that tasted like honey

·         Acid that tasted like honey

·         Honey that tasted like acid

Let’s say the acid was everything bad in life and the honey everything good.

Which barrel then are you?                                            

What barrel has life presented you with?

Very often in life things are not what they seem to be,

the truth is not always evident

not, because it does not exist but,

perhaps our vision is clouded,

our minds maybe cluttered

 our hearts heavy

and our bodies frail.

So then, what do we do, how then do we navigate through life?

Do we go about life blindly and say “oh well, whatever comes we will see ahead”. Is life not too precious that we should employ more care, more wisdom? Is it enough too merely live from experience and never endeavour to learn? How far will our ignorance take us before all bliss is lost?

Me, like you all I have is questions but, I am not satisfied with them unanswered, so I take my journey of Greatness, where it leads is a mystery.

I AM A GLADIATOR

I can feel it in my back,

the weight of carrying life and pushing for greatness

my fists are always clenched

my chest is always out

fighting is what I do

I am a Gladiator

no one gave me an armoured suit

no my friend

I was just placed in the middle of life and told to grow

being who I am I complied…

… at some point in this journey of Greatness I think I gave up

I don’t know where

I don’t know when but I think I did

It got too hard

I got too much

I grew too tired

But, here I am again

but, I think my shoulders are lower

my eyes downcast

but, I'm still fighting, still breathing

and perhaps someone  may come along side me push me

thinking that I will fall

not me honey

I won’t

It is a mystery to me how I am still up

I am tired

I am sick

but, I am not giving up

I did not get handed the ‘this will be easy card’

No one said a word of such

This I have; HOPE

Hope that I will accomplish the desires of my heart

Hope that I will have the strength to conquer my dream

Hope that I will have the courage to love

Hope that I will see you alongside me living your dream

Hope, my friend can drive a man to do crazy things

it will drive him to see beyond his current world

it will keep him up at night,

fighting to turn a dream into reality.

My sleep is but, that sleep

I no longer dream for my life is a dream

I walk around with my mind racing

I don’t think I could quit

even if I wanted to

even if I tried

I have so many gifts in life

Quitting is not one of them

So, here I am fighting another day

Some fighters are not in a cage with bruised knuckles

Some fighters roam around the corridors of life changing the world

On battle at a time.

See you around the corner, I won't be waiting for you

That is not what I do, I am a GLADIATOR, I gotta do what I do….

 FIGHT.

 

Africa is home to me

Photo by Leeroy Esbend

Our country is in a scary place politically, yet even after considering the worst of outcomes does, the prospect of moving to another country appeal. In a home, the bad and the good you bare together because you are family. So, here we have the unsettling, shaky times of uncertainty what should that mean for us; who do we become, or better yet what becomes of us? I do not think the circumstance defines us our actions is what defines us, as my Tsonga people would say “Mintiroho ya vulavula” -works speaks; what you do carries more clout than what you say; the English often say ‘actions speaks louder than words’.  

An African today does not carry the same social DNA as an African from yesterday:

I have dark skin, I can never be mistaken for being a yellow bone.

Culturally, I am Tsonga or some may prefer Shangaan.

I am not fluent in Tsonga, I never formally learnt the language.

I would take me maybe 5 times longer to read something written in Tsonga than that written in English.

I speak, read and obviously write English rather well.

Many of my friends are of a different race.

I am aware of the people who linger stares at us when we go out.

I tend to make controversial racial statements.

I have been to 4 other countries yet I always missed home.

I am often called a coconut, (white on the inside black on the out).

I do not find it offensive.

I have an afro (growing out my hair naturally) I’m not sure if I am trying to make a statement by it but, it definitely draws attention.

This is a little about me notice the amount of the letter I in the last paragraph there is a lot of it. It is because this is currently about me and that is okay. I am in a season in my life where I am slowly moving from dependence to independence. I am at the very beginning of that stage probably level 0.1. I dream of a day when I can write about us, we, our; that day is not today. Today I still search for me in the midst of the chaos we call life.

So I leave you with the conclusion of  a speech by Thabo Mbeki on behalf of the Africa National Congress in Cape Town  on 8 May 1996, on the occasion of the passing of the new Constitution of South Africa. Notice that it begins with ‘I’ and ends with ‘us’.

....

I am an African.

I am born of the peoples of the continent of Africa.

The pain of the violent conflict that the peoples of Liberia, Somalia, the Sudan, Burundi and Algeria is a pain I also bear.

The dismal shame of poverty, suffering and human degradation of my continent is a blight that we share.

The blight on our happiness that derives from this and from our drift to the periphery of the ordering of human affairs leaves us in a persistent shadow of despair.

This is a savage road to which nobody should be condemned.

This thing that we have done today, in this small corner of a great continent that has contributed so decisively to the evolution of humanity says that Africa reaffirms that she is continuing her rise from the ashes.

Whatever the setbacks of the moment, nothing can stop us now! Whatever the difficulties, Africa shall be at peace! However improbable it may sound to the sceptics, Africa will prosper!

Whoever we may be, whatever our immediate interest, however much we carry baggage from our past, however much we have been caught by the fashion of cynicism and loss of faith in the capacity of the people, let us err today and say - nothing can stop us now!

Thank you.

-Thabo Mbeki